Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’
========================
Wife : ‘ you want dinner?’
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife: ‘Yes or no.’
========================
Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?’
Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.’
Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?’
Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’
===================
Stress Reliever
Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
======================
YAWA!
Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
=======================
A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
=======================
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’
==============================
A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humour!’
============================
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.
The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on’
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: ‘Your Horse phoned!!! ‘
May 28, 2022
abijohn.com
An Igbo babe was in a restaurant yesterday when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so she timed her gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, she felt better. She finished her lunch & noticed that everybody was staring at her…. Then she suddenly remembered that she was listening to her i-Pod.
Jun 5, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
100 Kisses Instead Of Salary!
A letter has been sent from a husband:
…Dear Sweetheart:
I can’t send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, your husband.
His wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart, Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month’s milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items.
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don’t worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope that I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, please advise.
Your Sweet Heart.
Jun 9, 2022
abijohn.com
Wonders shall never cease. one aboki was wrapping his fone wit an hanky, out of curiosity, some1 asked him what he was doing and he replied saying, (walahi I wan call my broda e dey owe me money so I wan hide my number make e no know say na me bcos if he see my number he no g pick the call).
Jun 14, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
Jun 17, 2022
Choochoo Sports Book
Pastor, My dog is dead. Could there be a service 4 the poor creature? “Pastor replied, “No, We cant av service 4 an animal in the church. But there is a new church down d road, Maybe…they will do somethin 4 da animal”. The man answered, “Pastor, But do U think they ‘ll accept a donation of US $250,000 in return 4 the burial service? Pastor exclaimed, “Sweet Jesus! Why didn’t u tell me the dog was a good Christian?.
Jun 22, 2022
abijohn.com
A sailor from italy visited warri on a sailing voyage. For three days he had a steaming affair with this waffi babe.On the third day,he gave her 1000 euro and promised to always stop by.as expected,waffi babe gave him memories but we all know most italians are crooks. As the ship was sailing away,with our sister waiving enthusiastically,the sailor smiled broadly and shouted BYE PUTATA… EURO COUNTERFITO!.The waffi babe smiled broadly back and replied NO PROBLEMO, GONORHEA ORIGINALE
Jul 14, 2022
abijohn.com
The standard of Nigerian education!!! Principal: welcome sir, i believe you are the new English Teacher! Man: Yes we are.
Jul 14, 2022
abijohn.com
Did You Hear About The ……..
Brake company on the skids?
Bra manufacturers that went bust?
Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
Baker who was short of dough?
Refrigerator manufacturer that had it’s assets frozen?
Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
Upholsterers that couldn’t cover their costs?
Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
The train company that went off the rails?
The ship building company that sunk?
The dental practice that was rotten to its roots?
Jul 18, 2022
abijohn.com
There were two nuns…
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM)
and the other one was known as Sister
Logical (SL) .
It was getting dark! and they were still far away from the
convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man had been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder
what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape
us.
SM: Oh, no! ! At this rate he will reach us in 15
minutes at the most! What can we
do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk
faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the
only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will
reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You
go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us
both.
So the man decided to follow Sister
Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what had
happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what
happened!
SL
: The only
logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow
us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened
then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to
run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he
could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached
me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you
do?!
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my
dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man
do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down
his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with
his pants down.
And for those with naughty mind who thought it
would be dirty,
I’ll pray for you!
Jul 20, 2022
abijohn.com
Very buff guy arrives heaven’s gates shocked to find out his muscles,7pack etc had all gone and he was back to his skinny self .Angel Gabriel goes “so you dont like it ? .” ” No i dont ” he shouted “did God not make me in his own image ?” “Well Angel Gabriel replied Now you know how God really looks like so quit complaining and get back in line !
Jul 20, 2022
abijohn.com
A tourist asked a boat guide, do u know psychology,geography,geology n criminology? D guide said no 2 all da questions.D tourist den askd again:Wat da hell do u kno on dis earth? U will die of illiteracy. Den suddenly d boat startd sinkin, da guide also askd da tourist, do u know how 2 swimology,escapology away 4rm crocology? tourist said:NO. Den da guide said: 2day u will drownology,crocology will eat ur bodyology
Jul 23, 2022
abijohn.com
boy: Fine girl, wats ur name? My name is Peter. girl: ok, my name is Stella. Boy: Can I have ur number? Girl: ok, 0099008776 2278. Boy: is it an international number? Girl: no, dats my acc number, save it wit Stella Amaechi, UBA. Boy: no, I mean ur fone number. Girl: u know wat 2 do wit d acc number, wen I get an alert on my fone, I wil call u. Boy:Ok, so wat are ur favourite books. Girl: Cheque books, cash books.
Jul 23, 2022
abijohn.com
An illiterate WAFFI man travelled abroad, entered a Restaurant & wanted 2 order chicken but he couldn’t remember wat chicken is called in English. Luckily 4 him he, saw another man on d next table wit 4 eggs on his plate. Happily he called out 2 d waiter & pointed at d eggs on the mans plate…….”Abeg i want their mama!”
Jul 28, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
You saw a shirt worth N97, since you don’t have cash, you borrow N50 from your Mum and N50 from your Dad, so you’ve now got N100. the shirt is N97 and you’ve got N3 left you returned N1 to your Mum and N1 to your Dad and left N1 for yourself. Now you owe your Mum N49 and your Dad N49 so N49 + N49 = N98 plus the N1 with you = N99 WHERE IS THE MISSING N1???
Jul 28, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
Coincidence?
YEAR: 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
YEAR: 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope!
Jul 28, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
A naija customs man catches an illegal liberian in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”
The liberian man pleads with them, “No, noooo charlie, I am 9jarian ! Pleeeze!”
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard for him and says “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use 3 pidgin english words in a sentence”.
The liberian man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.”
The liberian man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, “Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow dis is yommie from liberia ?”
Jul 28, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
A man who isn’t qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.
Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.
The owner replies, “Yeah, I know. That’s my way of getting rid of that pest!”
Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.
The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.
“Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit.
But tell me, what in the world happened to you?”
“Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it… said it fit him great.
As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!”
Jul 28, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
”After God had created Adam, he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help. He said: “Adam, I’ve decided to make you a woman. She’ll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you.” Adam said: “Great! How much will she cost me?” The answer came back: “An arm and a leg.” That’s a bit on the high side for me,” said Adam, ehmm, “what can I get for a rib?”
Jul 28, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
”The lawyer cabled his client overseas: “Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?” Back came the reply: “Take no chances – order all three.”
Jul 28, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
”A woman was in bed with her lover Mr Smith their neighbour when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner. “She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Just pretend you’re a statue.” “What’s this, honey?” the husband enquired. “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Mrs Smith next door bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much; I got one for us too.” Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. “Here,” he said to the “statue”, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at your house for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”
Jul 28, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
* A housewife could not find her underwear and suspected the house girl of
stealing it. After several strokes of the whip, the housegirl yelled “madam
I no steal your pant o, me I no dey wear pant o, oga is my witness”*
Jul 28, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
On Lagos-Ibadan express road when a Pastor met a team of policemen who, quite naturally, wanted ‘something’ from him. Since he was not prepared to play their games, they asked for his papers and having combed through everything without any offence with which to nail the ‘stubborn’ pastor, they now asked him to open the bonnet of his car.
A careful scrutiny of the engine number against what was on paper revealed that letter U was written in such a way that it could be mistaken for letter V. That was all the officer-in-charge needed to shout “stolen vehicle!” Sensing trouble, even when he knew he committed no offence, the pastor called the OC to say he was a priest to which the officer replied : “Please, leave that pastor thing… in any case, if you are indeed a pastor, then you must have a Bible in your car, bring it.”
The Pastor did as was commanded after which the officer now ordered: “Please read Matthew 5:25, 26 to me.” The incredulous Pastor opened to the recommended passage and read: “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to a judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth; you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.”
The man of God quietly made an “offering” of “just”one hundred naira to his newly found “preacher”.
“End of service! Go in peace and argue no more!”, said the OC.
Jul 28, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Oops…
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why is it called building when it is already built?
If a book about failures sells, is it a success?
If you’re not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Jul 28, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
Oghene was tired of working as a securuty guard so when he heard that Bill Gates was holding a mass interview to select a new head of operations for Microsoft Worldwide he thought..heck why not.
5,000 people showed up for the interview and Gates started by asking all those who couldn’t write Java in binary code to leave the room. Oghene thought: what the hell dese pipo na mumu, who know weda I sabi or no sabi…2,000 people left but Oghene sat tight.
Gates continued by asking all those who had never supervised a thousand people or more to excuse themselves. As 2,000 more candidates trooped out, Oghene thought to himself: na lie oh, wetin I fit lose..I no dey kommot.
Gates then asked all those who did not possess at least two doctorate degrees, with one of them in Computer programming, to leave the room. Even though Oghene had dropped out of school at 15, he put on his haughtiest demeanour and thought: dem no go embarrass me jare, I go siddon remain for here.
Finally Gates asked all those who couldn’t speak Ancient Mandarin Chinese to go. Only two candidates remained in the room. Oghene and one other. Bill Gates walked over to them and said: Well it seems you’re the only two people who can speak Ancient Mandarin Chinese, I’d like to hear a conversation in that language…
…Oghene turned to the other candidate and muttered: Wahala don come oh, which kind kaka be dis….
….the other candidate turned and replied:….bros which kind wahala na?..you too fear,shine ya eye, make we just yarn dey go na ! mandarin mavo ?
Jul 28, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your toilet?” The bartender quickly replies -, “The closest one is in the petrol station three Houses further down the street.”
Jul 28, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
The Male Cycle…..
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big yansh.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big yansh, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big yansh.
Jul 28, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
Akin goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist??
“Hello, could you give me condom? I’m going to my girlfriend’s place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!”?
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as Akin was going out he returns and says,”Give me another condom because my girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She alw…ays crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike a luck there too.”
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as Akin was leavin again he turns back and says “Give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eye contact and since she invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move.
During dinner, Akin sat with his girlfriend on the left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the Dad walks in, Akin lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer.
“Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you’ve given us”.
10 minutes after Akin was still praying “Thank you Lord for your kindness.
Ten minutes gone by and Akin is still praying, keeping his head down, very close to the table.They all lookd at each other surprised, and his girlfriend was even more surprised than others.
She gets close to him and whisperd, “I didn’t know why you’re so religious.”
Akin replies, “I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!”
Chei, see wahala oooooooooo.
Jul 28, 2022
abijohn.com
A chinese man n his newly wedded ,pretty chinese wife moved over to have the taste of Jamaica . After a while the wife got pregnant n finally gave birth to a black baby. The chinese man named the Baby… SUM TIN WONG
Jul 29, 2022
abijohn.com
Mother: Son I’m sorry I
slept with someone that is not your dad 23 years ago. And that person
is your real father.
>Son: Mum, what rubbish! How am I to deal with this?! You should be
hanged.
>Mother: I am sorry he is my first love and i could not marry him cause
we are of different religion. He is on the phone at the moment and wants
to speak with his son for the first time ever.
>Son: No i am speaking to no one. Mr Alani is the only father i know
and so will that be.
>Mother: Please don’t be so upset. Just talk to him.
>Son: Ok, I will give him a piece of my mind!
>Phone: Morning Son, I am Mallam Aliko Dangote. I am your real father.
>Son: Daddy! Daddy!! Daddy!!! Thank God!Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Thank
God!!!!!!!!!!! I always knew there was something special about me…
Thank you soooooo much mum. You are the best mum in the whole wide
world!
Aug 9, 2022
abijohn.com
A FAT man asks a
>trainer in the gym: “I want to impress that
>beautiful girl seated ova there, which
>machine can I use?” Trainer replies: “use the
>ATM machine outside!”
Aug 9, 2022
abijohn.com
Akpan was sent to deliver a live chicken in lagos. On his way a careless okada knocked him down and the chicken immediately ran off… When Akpan saw the chicken running away he started laughing and when asked why he was laughing he said “see this mumu chicken, where does she know in lagos when the address is with me”…Hope una went to church today peeps!!!
Aug 14, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
Barber and Kid
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a 200naira bill in one hand and 50naira in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the 50naira and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the 50naira instead of the 200naira note ?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the 200naira, the game’s over!”
Aug 15, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
Six Basic Truths In Life
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.
2. All idiots, after reading #1, will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are feeling silly.
5. You soon will start calling me silly boy.
6. There is still a silly smile on your face.
7. I sincerely apologize about this but I fell victim and I needed company. You now have 2 options, ignore the thread wish is not possible, or comment on it to put a smile on someone’s face today.
Aug 16, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
Joke:It’s like the man who saw a with a wooden leg in a farm in calabar. He was so shocked, he stopped his car and asked the farmer about the cow. The farmer said this was a very special cow. He told stories of how the cow saved him and his kids’ lives more than once.The man was impressed, but that still didn’t explain why the cow had a wooden leg. Finally, the farmer yelled, “You can’t eat a special cow like that all at once!”
Aug 16, 2022
Nigerian Version
abijohn.com webmadam
Joke:It’s like the man who saw a dog with a wooden leg in a farm in calabar. He was so shocked, he stopped his car and asked the farmer about the Dog. The farmer said this was a very special Dog. He told stories of how the Dog saved him and his kids’ lives more than once.The man was impressed, but that still didn’t explain why the Dog had a wooden leg.
Finally, the farmer yelled, “Mbok I know get mind to chop a whole special Dog like at one sitting !”
Aug 16, 2022
abijohn.com
A woman went to her Pastor to report him. She told the Pastor, sir my husband beats me every night he comes home drunk. The Pastor replied her, when you get home and your husband comes home drunk, pour some water in your mouth and keep it there. The next day she went to the Pastor and told him, when my husband came home yesterday drunk, I took the water like you said and he went to bed without beating me. The Pastor then told her, anytime your husband come home drunk keep quiet.
Aug 16, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
An Ibo man was converted to Islam, after all said and done; he was asked what name he would like to bear, he was given options of Ibrahim (Abraham), Suleiman (Solomon), Musa (Moses) and others. He asked what good were those names, then the Imam told him that if u choose any name there will be hope that God will bless you the way he blessed those with the names originally, then the Ibo man asked: “Nna how about Dangote” ? Because all these ones u mentioned their wealth has expired !
Aug 17, 2022
abijohn.com webmadam
A warri tenant walked in n saw his landlord’s son who was trying to commit suicide & a brief conversation ensued,
Tenant: Rukewe!!!……..wetin u de do so ?
Rukewe:….I de try commit suicide as papa de always complain say my life na worthe (worthless)!
Tenant: ahn ahn, dat no good nw, but y u come tie rope for waist ?
Rukewe:…Bros no be small tin o !, I bin tie rope for neck, I NEARLY DIE!….
Aug 17, 2022
Gabriel Edem Archibong
If soja with severe family problems slap rioters in 9ja,them go know say police na dem friend indeed!
Aug 17, 2022